Kitschy Barnacles & The Pup That Bled

Five Unimportant Albeit Not Boring Lowdowns...

My zany & economically impractical magnet collection is so out-of-control (and low to the ground) that my cats have recently begun swiping them off the side of my metal filing cabinet for no good reason. Seriously, I found a retro, novelty Coney Island keepsake in the kitty-litter the other day and I was TORKED. Good thing those trouble-makers can't reach the Pillsbury dough couple or the plastic octopus. Paws off, moggies!


Oh. No. My dog bled all over my apartment last week. The blood was coming out of his weenstick. I threw him in the tub and called the emergency Vet hotline. The only reason this became a photograph is because I sensed that the Vet thought I was exaggerating at the sentence: THERE'S A DISCONCERTING EYEFUL OF BLOOD GUSHING OUT OF MY DOG'S PENIS. Looks like a deleted scene from The Shining, right? At any rate, poor little Fritz ended up getting neutered and had to wear a cone-of-shame for an entire week. It suffices to say that the freakish cascade of puppy gore in my apartment is now under control.


I recently read the book CARRIE by Stephen King and will NEVER be the same. Holding this book is like holding the hand of a sad friend who also just so happens to be a she-devil and a corpse. I'm UTTERLY OBSESSED with every single one of these 181 pages. Having been a fan of the movie for years, I never saw this coming. The book is FREAKISHLY BETTER than the film and actually goes into a candidly chilling territory that can't be explained. A bloody prom bouquet+telekinesis=perfect, horrifying poetry.


A new reason to go to Harlem: DINOSAUR BBQ. Why? Because the ribs are shellacked in grizzly bear blood and the timber-crammed bathrooms are dripping in wickedly oafish graffiti. A bona fide, potty-mouthed lumberjack's paradise. Imagine Davy Crockett arm-wrestling Big Foot on the coffin of Lenny Bruce. Enough said.


I don't know what puts a bigger kick in the seat of my new blue cords, seeing Weezer on Halloween at the Hammerstein Ballroom, or hearing *this song* performed live. Finally I'm going to have fun on Halloween instead of being scolded by the Jehovah's Witnesses in my apartment building who shun my jack-o-lanterns and frown at my candy corn. Oh, do they ever frown! Maybe if my dog starts hemorrhaging from the weenstick again he'll burst into flames and pull a Carrie on my sinless, pumpkin-hating neighbors. Now that's what I call Raditude.

XO
RM

DURAN DURAN (Totally Forever)

Lyric by Robert Maddock


From Clash of the Titans:

THETIS: What a dangerous precedent. What if there are more heroes like him? What if courage and imagination became everyday mortal qualities? What will become of us?
ZEUS: We would no longer be needed. But, for the moment, there is sufficient cowardice, sloth and mendacity down there on Earth to last forever...

(verse one)
1985 and I’m a twelve-year-old disaster.
Hungry Like the Wolf is playing on my ghetto blaster.
Ma says I’m addicted to the rubbish on the TV.
I wish I was famous, but I guess I’ll have to be me.

(chorus 1)
Hold on to your Pepsi can.
Everybody loves Duran Duran.
Give it up for Aquaman.
Totally Forever.

Bust a move and groove along.
Everybody’s playing Donkey Kong.
Punky Brewster’s going strong.
Totally Forever

(verse two)
1986 and all my thoughts are getting deeper.
Check out all the doodles I drew on my Trapper Keeper.
Ma says I’m as lazy as a maraschino cherry.
All I want for Christmas is a rhyming dictionary.

(chorus 2)
Cowabunga. Strike a pose.
Everybody’s wearing neon clothes.
Gag me with a garden hose.
Totally Forever.

Free the Goonies from their cares.
Everybody’s chewing Gummi Bears.
Pee-wee Herman’s in my prayers.
Totally Forever.

(bridge)
What is normal? What is proper?
I can’t really say I care.
All I know is Cyndi Lauper
Puts a smile in the air.

Baby, if my hair was spiky
I’d be bad as Johnny Depp.
I’ve got Pop Rocks in my psyche.
Maybe you should watch your step.

(verse three)
1989 and I’m as fearsome as a Troll doll.
When I go to Mervyn’s I wish I could buy the whole mall.
Ma says I should go out on a date with Tammy Hobbins.
I say I’m too busy ‘cos I work at Baskin Robbins.

(repeat choruses)

Totally Forever...
Totally Forever...

Robert M.

All THAT I'M NOT LETTING GO OF

Part One




















RM

SMITHEREENS!!

Lyric by Robert Maddock


Smithereens...

(verse one)
I was making deviled eggs when the meteor fell.
It took a rock from heaven to destroy my hell.
And the walls are shaking at the crash of dawn
And I’m standing in the kitchen, but the kitchen is gone.

(verse two)
There’s a hole in the ceiling with a light shining through
And the sky is revealing a triumphant view
And the screws are loosening inside my head
And I’m jumping into orbit off the edge of my bed.

(chorus)
I’m through the roof.
I’m out the door.
I’m not a prisoner anymore.
I’m breaking all my chains and making scenes.

I’m on the rise.
I’m worldwide.
I’m not afraid to go outside
'Cos everything’s been blown to smithereens.

(verse three)
I was jamming in the john when the showerhead cracked.
I was singing “She Bop” as a matter-of-fact
And the bathtub crashed in a field of corn
And I’m standing here as naked as the day I was born.

(verse four)
There’s a burnt piece of plaster where the tragedy struck
And it smacks of disaster, but it feels like luck.
And the smoke is rising out of my iPod
And I’m dancing to the liberating beat of my God.

(repeat chorus)

(bridge)
Sometimes you got to beg for mercy.
Sometimes you got to misbehave.
Sometimes you got to take a breath and dig yourself out of your grave.

Sometimes you got to tear your house down.
Sometimes you got to make it right.
Sometimes you got to say a prayer and put your faith in dynamite.

Put your faith in dynamite!

(repeat chours)

I’m through the roof.
I’m out the door.
I’m not a prisoner anymore.
I’m breaking all my chains and making scenes.

I’m on the rise.
I’m worldwide.
I’m not afraid to go outside
'Cos everything is born from smithereens.



The Kitchen is Gone!
R. Maddock

All THAT I'M NOT LETTING GO OF

Part Two




















RM

Parton Forever!

*In the Flesh*

Last night I went to the new musical 9 to 5 on Broadway. Aside from some really well-made and ripsnorting tunes, I knew the show was securing a worthy applause when a chevrolet-sized Xerox machine popped out of the stage. So the show was a great big blast, but here's the zapper (and please be mindful of the rarity of a zapper of this nature)...

THE ZAPPER

After the show, I followed some inner instincts and chanced upon the next best thing to the inventor of sweater vests & Almond Roca. That is to say that I met the world's coolest & cleverest jerkwater bombshell, the one & only--hold onto your hats--DOLLY PARTON! And by Dolly Parton, I do mean the real deal coat-of-diverse-colorations Dolly Rebecca Parton from Sevierville, Tennessee (as opposed to some slaggy downtown tranny named Omar). Rest assured, the woman is a spittoon full of diamonds. Dolly, you make me wanna pour myself a cup of ambition. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to lasso my ceiling fan.

RM

All THAT I'M NOT LETTING GO OF

Part Three




















RM